You Have Power Over Your Relationships

I want to talk about black women and our relationships with others. That includes, family, friends and husbands/boyfriends (and girlfriends if you're gay). One thing that I've noticed as a black woman is that we (black women) are often in relationships where our boundaries are not fully recognized or respected. We "love/give too much" to others and receive very little in return. Let's talk about this.

How many of us financially bail out friends/family/lovers and can never find help when we need it?
How many of us have friendships/romantic relationships where we are doing all the work?
How many of us are continuing relationships with family members who have physically/sexually/psychologically abused us? Yes, I'm going there.

There's this book called "Boundaries: When to Say Yes When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I highly recommend to everyone reading this blog to read this book.

There are a lot of boundary issues I could explore; but today, I want to talk about reciprocity. Reciprocity is defined as a mutual or cooperative interchange of favors. Black women for the most part do not have reciprocity in their relationships. In a previous blog I discussed a women who was shacking up with an unemployed male and having his babies. She was giving much to him, her womb, her home, he was even driving her car. And he was probably giving her some things, nice words, a smile and a big belly. I'm not trying to be crude or mean; but this relationship was not reciprocal. In other words, the favors exchanged were not of equal value. And she was not happy due to the imbalance in the relationship. Many of us are in similar situations as this woman, living lives with no or very little reciprocity.

Here's what you need to do...

Take an honest look at each of your relationships. Are you getting as much as you're giving? Or are you the one always calling, always suggesting an outing or picking up the tab at the restaurant etc. If so, you may want to readjust or end that relationship because it is not reciprocal.

How you can approach a friend/family member/lover who is not holding up their fair share of the relationship...

Well, let's say you have a friend who never or rarely calls. You may want to say to him/her "I noticed that I'm always calling you to go out; but you rarely call me, that makes me feel like you don't value this relationship as much as I do." You can then wait to see if this person changes their behavior. If they continue to never call, you have your answer. They DON'T value the relationship and it's time for YOU to move on.

It is absolutely critical that black women have reciprocal relationships; meaning we are receiving as much as we are giving. Most of us already have limited resources (ie time, money, energy etc.) and cannot afford to give to others who are takers. Exercise your power and demand reciprocity in all of your relationships.

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